I want to let go of all the negative thoughts eating me up inside. But all this cynicism, anger, and defenses have been building up throughout the years and it's going to take time to break them down. Its a little hard when I feel expected to surrender to everything so quickly because I'm not ready and I need time to adjust. Yea, its selfish of me to be dwelling on this, there are more important things to focus on. And I'm really going to try my best to make myself smaller and take in what's around me. But I know its not going to be an overnight thing. I don't want to disappoint myself or anyone else because its not quick like that.